Could you rewrite and improve it because it desperately needs improvement?Could you make a suggestion on how to include it in the essay?

Find the instructions and my text for a University of Warwick scholarship.

Could you rewrite and improve it because it desperately needs improvement?

The instructions mention how “to make the world a better place once you graduate”. Could you make a suggestion on how to include it in the essay?

Also, it is limited to 400 words, so could you please tell me what to remove in case there isn’t enough space?